Fantasy Fuel: Gifts: It Happened One Night

It Happened One Night

image by Rachelle

Author: Eve
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Alex Krycek, and some special guest stars
Spoilers: None
Author's Notes: This came to me out of the blue when I was thinking about what to give Rach for her birthday. Lots of inside jokes, so I may be the only one who really gets it, but hey, it's the thought that counts, right?
Dedication: To Rach, who does so much for me and never lets me give up, even when I threaten to take her pokey stick away! Love you babe!

"Where is he? Where is that smoking rat bastard!" Mulder demanded.

Scully frowned. "He doesn't smoke."

"Whatever. Just flow with me, Scully."

She shrugged almost apologetically at the woman sitting stunned at her kitchen table.

"Ms. Valentine--"

"If that *is* your real name," Mulder interrupted, glaring.

Scully's frown deepened as she resisted the urge to slap her sometimes boneheaded partner. "Ms. *Valentine*, we have an eyewitness who claims to have seen this man--" and at that she laid a rather unflattering photograph of a normally handsome man on Ms. Valentine's kitchen table, "--entering your apartment building last night at approximately eleven PM."

The woman reached out and slowly picked up the picture. Surveillance photo, probably, judging by the bad lighting and grainy quality.

"Who is this?"

"His name is Alex Krycek," Scully said quickly before Mulder could spit anything sarcastic.

She squinted at the picture. "I don't recognize the name. If you say he came into the building, well, maybe I've seen him around, but . . . this picture isn't very good."

Mulder pulled another picture out of his jacket pocket and held it out to her. "Try this one."

Both Scully and Ms. Valentine stared.

"Handsome, isn't he? No, I'd remember if I saw him," the woman murmured.

Scully was wondering why Mulder was carrying around an 5x7 glossy of Krycek in his jacket.

"You must have a short memory," Mulder accused. "Because at around the same time as Krycek was spotted entering your building, your neighbour reports she heard a man enter your apartment."

Ms. Valentine dropped the picture and crossed her arms, looking completely nonplussed. "My neighbour is an 86-year-old lady with a hearing aid. She always thinks there are men in my apartment. Once my father came to visit and she accused me of being a hussy."

Scully glanced over at Mulder. The neighbour lady had indeed implied that Ms. Valentine held company with a lot of men. But naturally, Mulder wasn't going to let go that easily.

"Krycek was here, Ms. Valentine. We've got two witnesses. Now either you tell us, or we arrest you for obstruction of justice."

"I don't know anyone named Alex Krycek!" she exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air.

"Tell us where he's gone!"

She stabbed one manicured nail at the pictures. "Do you think if I had this in my apartment I would let him *leave*?"

It was Mulder's turn to frown as Scully snickered. Once she composed herself he turned back to Ms. Valentine, towering over her. "Are you saying he's still here?"

She stood up, keeping her gaze level with his to show she was not intimidated. "Agent Muldoon--"

"Mulder," he ground out.

"Whatever. I don't know this guy you're looking for. I've never met him, never seen him, never heard of him. If you're done bothering me, you can leave. Next time you come back you'd better have some sort of warrant."

They glared at each other until Scully broke the stare-off by tugging gently on Mulder's arm. "Come on Mulder. Thank you for your time, Ms. Valentine. If you have any information, you can get ahold of us at this number." Scully set her card beside the black and white photo. Mulder picked up the glossy and stuffed it back in his pocket.

"Don't leave town. We may need to ask you some more questions," Mulder warned.

She grit her teeth and showed them to the door. "Guess that means my trip to Mexico is out."

Mulder opened his mouth, but Scully pushed him into the hall. "Thank you, Ms. Valentine."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She shut the door quietly, waited a few heartbeats, and then slumped against the doorframe. Mulder was even more of a bloodhound than she'd expected. A sound from the bedroom drew her attention.

She crept through the kitchen and down the hall. The door, which she had left closed, was open a few inches. With a combination of trepidation and anticipation, she put her hand on the door and pushed.

Nothing happened, so she took a step inside. The bedside lamp had been turned off as well, leaving the room bathed in faint moonlight. Still nothing. A smile began to tug at the corners of her mouth.

"Where--"

A leather hand covered her mouth as she was pulled back against a large, warm body.

"Sssh. Mulder has ears like a fox, you know," he whispered.

She bit down on his finger to stifle her giggles at the bad pun. He must have gotten dressed in case he had to make a run for it. He'd been naked on the bed when she left.

"Next time you come back you'd better have some sort of warrant?" he growled. "That's the kind of challenge Mulder will take up."

She squirmed her way around so that she could face him. "Well then, we'd better get busy before he returns."

Alex grinned down at her, eyes sparkling in the faint light. "I like the way your mind works," he said.

Her reply was muffled by a kiss, and soon she lost all desire to talk back as Alex Krycek walked her towards the bed and playfully pushed her down onto the rumpled sheets.

She was just pulling the worn t-shirt over his head when the phone rang. He lifted his head from the hollow of her neck.

"Don't answer that."

She grinned and let her fingers drift down his spine, delighting in the shivers she caused. "Wouldn't dream of it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She lifted the cigarette to her lips and inhaled, the nonchalant gesture ruined when she immediately began sputtering. Angrily, she crushed the Marlboro into the ashtray and keeled over.

"Who's." *cough* "Stupid idea." *wheeze, cough* "I don't even." *gasp* "Like." *cough* "Smoking."

Once she'd gotten control of herself she picked up the forgotten receiver and slammed it into the cradle. A second later she lifted it again and hit redial. After seven rings she began to scowl.

"Pick up the phone," she growled into the receiver. "Come on Rach, I know you're there. I know you're with him! Pick up and talk to me, dammit!"

Twenty nine rings later she hung up and stared at the telephone. She couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe Rach had stolen him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You know," Rachelle started hesitantly. "I'm a little surprised you're here. I mean, she treated you rather well."

Alex laid a kiss on her shoulder. "We had some good times. But then . . ."

"What?"

Alex flopped onto his back and Rachelle turned, snuggling up to his side and sliding her arm around his waist. He sighed.

"One day I came home and there was this guy sprawled on the couch, drinking all the beer. I thought it was just a one-time thing. We all get a little bored sometimes, you know? But then a few weeks later this guy showed up with all these books and said they needed to do some research. I didn't see her for days. And then there was that cocky blonde prick. It just never ended. Vampires, assassins, warriors, detectives. And one day I just couldn't figure out why I was still there."

"Oh baby," she sighed, pulling him more securely into her arms. "It's her loss."

"I never thought she'd go so far as siccing Mulder and Scully on me. On you."

Rachelle frowned at the thought. Eve wouldn't do that, would she?

"Come on, let's not think about her right now. I can think of about a hundred other things I'd rather be doing right now."

"A hundred? That's rather creative."

Alex cocked one eyebrow. "What do you expect? I'm an international man of mystery."

Rachelle rolled her eyes, but didn't protest when he kissed her senseless.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eve glanced back and forth from the ashtray to the phone. A quiet cough brought her attention to the group gathered in front of her.

"He's gone," she said flatly.

"Are you sure? We can go out looking again--"

"No. There's only one thing left to do."

The men glanced around at each other uncertainly.

"We've got to settle this once and for all, using the age old ritual--"

"Shall I get any magic supplies?"

"I know where there's a magic spring--"

"Posh. It's got to be blood, mate."

"What devilry is this?"

"I've got this fascinating green goo--"

"What about my magic bone!?"

The gunshot rang out, silencing them all for a moment.

"Well, that was rather extravagant."

Eve frowned at the short young man laying dead on the carpet. "What the hell was he doing in here?"

Everyone shrugged.

"Why isn't he bleeding?"

"He was already dead, luv. Andrew offed him, remember?"

"Right. Well, I guess that narrows down the choices."

"Correct. There can be only one, after all."

"Exactly. Which brings me back to the age old ritual, passed down from generations of fanfic writers as far back as . . ."

"Homer."

"Homer? The Iliad was not fanfiction."

"Excuse me, but I was there. The man invented slash. Achilles and Patroclus really were just cousins, you know. But that Homer, he couldn't keep his eyes off them."

"Will you all stop interrupting?"

Mumbled "Sorry's" sprung up from around the room.

"Where was I? Oh yes, the age old ritual, passed down from generations of fanfic writers as far back as Homer. This has to be absolutely fair. No swords," she said, casting significant looks at three of the men. "No knives up your sleeve," she said to another. "No guns, and no teeth." The two remaining blondes glanced at each other and shrugged.

Once she was sure the men were going to agree to the terms she smiled and clapped her hands together. "Fantastic. Now off with your shirts. You're going to wrestle for who gets to be my new muse!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mulder knelt down and felt the man's pulse. "He's dead. There's no blood around the body. He must have been brought here after he was killed."

Scully peered around. "But there are spots of blood on the chair over there, and on the wall. Something happened here."

"I think it was some sort of cult activity. Yes, they brought this body here to perform some sort of ritual. A satanic ritual, yeah, that sounds good."

"Shut up Mulder."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mulder flicked another soggy sunflower shell out the window and glanced up at the apartment building. About an hour ago, a light had come on in Ms. Valentine's apartment, but had lasted only for a minute. Bathroom, he guessed. The only other activity had been a couple fighting on their balcony, and a stray dog sniffing at the garbage cans out front.

Just as he lifted the horrid convenience store coffee his cell phone chirped. Startled, he sloshed some of the coffee onto his hand, cursing and jumping and spilling even more before he realized that the coffee wasn't even hot anymore.

"Shit." He tossed the whole thing out the window and wiped his hands on his pants. The phone was still chirping. What the hell had possessed him to download that nightingale ringtone?

"Mulder."

"Where are you?"

"What? No 'Mulder, it me?' Scully, I'm disappointed."

"Where are you?"

"I'm in my car."

"You better be going to buy porn."

"Is this your way of talking dirty?"

"Mulder. I mean you better not be surveilling Ms. Valentine's apartment."

"Scully, she's been in contact with Krycek."

"You don't know that for sure. Mulder, all we've got to go on are a sketchy eyewitness account and a deaf grandmother--"

"And my source."

"Right, because we know how reliable *those* are."

"She told me exactly where to look, said that Ms. Valentine would be the surest way to find Krycek."

"She?" Mulder could practically hear Scully's eyes narrowing. "Mulder...it isn't Marita Covarrubias, is it?"

A movement at the edge of his vision drew his attention. "Something's happening, Scully, I gotta go."

"Mulder--"

"Bye Scully."

He hung up and grabbed his binoculars, wondering how long the bedroom light had been on. The curtain had moved slightly, like someone had peeked out the window, trying not to be seen. Unfortunately, the curtains were not sheer. He thought saw a silhouette, but it could have been a reflection of the clouds passing over the moon. Another light went on, this time in the kitchen. Ms. Valentine appeared and started looking through her cupboards. A minute later he spotted a wooden spoon in her hand.<

She was cooking? No--she was baking. At 3:30 in the morning. He absently flicked another sunflower shell out the window. Ms. Valentine turned her head and started talking to someone off to the side. Mulder sat up straighter. So there *was* someone there with her.

He squinted and pressed the binoculars more firmly against his face, as if that would increase the magnification. Ms. Valentine was laughing about something, wiping flour off her cheek with her shirtsleeve. He wished he'd brought a parabolic microphone with him. Then he'd be able to know if Krycek was there for sure. He'd recognize that voice anywhere. He even still had the tape recording of the one time Krycek had called and left a message on his answering machine, all those years ago when they were partners.

An arm appeared around Ms. Valentine's shoulders and Mulder sat up straighter. Come on, you traitorous sonofabitch. The arm was bare, and Mulder felt a peculiar churning in his gut as she cozied up to it. Another arm appeared, and Ms. Valentine turned sideways, leaned up, and wrapped her own arms around the visitor. She was kissing him. How could she be kissing Alex Krycek?

Of course, he couldn't see Krycek, he could barely see Ms. Valentine at this point, but he was positive it was Krycek that she was currently wrapped around. This was his chance. He'd be able to catch Krycek with his pants down. He wouldn't get away this time.

Mulder tossed the binoculars to the side and opened the door. Before he could get very far a hand appeared and slammed the car door shut on him.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, mate."/>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"He's still out there," she sighed, letting the curtain fall back.

"I'm surprised he hasn't stormed up here yet."

"He doesn't know if you're up here for sure."

"Hunches and proof are synonymous to Mulder. It won't be long now, he can't sit still for very long and he's already been down there for 2 hours."

"Do you really think Eve sent him?"

"She might have. I don't know. I was angry, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions."

Rach turned back to the bed, almost forgetting the predicament with Agent Mulder at the sight that greeted her. Alex seemed to read her mind and grinned, shifting to let the sheet slip a little farther off his thigh. But he was still covered. Barely.

"You are a bad, bad man," she breathed, inching back toward the bed.

"Well, that's at least one thing you and Mulder agree on," he commented.

She sat down on the side of the bed and ran her fingers up his calf. "I feel weird, knowing he's out there watching. I know he can't *see* anything, but...."

"What?"

Rach sighed, feeling silly. "It's just that, he seems unnaturally preoccupied with finding you. Do you know he carries around your picture?"

Alex cocked his eyebrow. "Yeah, I was listening to your conversation. Mulder's just like that, babe. Obssessive. It's nothing personal."

She stared at him for a moment.

"Okay, so maybe it is a little personal, with the whole 'you killed my father, now prepare to die' thing."

She giggled. "Sure, Inigo." Then her face turned serious. "There is one way to get rid of him...."

"You don't have to phone her."

"I'm sure she'll understand. Besides, he's really creeping me out Alex. Please?"

He nodded, and she picked up the phone laying on the bedroom floor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mulder looked up, wondered what the hell Billy Idol was doing standing by his car, and then blinked.

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm the welcoming committee. And I'm here to tell you that you're welcome to go back home to your beddie bye."

"I think you've mistaken me for someone else. I'm a federal--"

"Oh bloody hell, I know who you are," the man snapped before Mulder could reach his badge. "Now be a good boy and run along. I'm missing Conan for this, you know."

"Schwartzenegger?" Mulder blurted in confusion.

"O'Brien, halfwit." The man plucked a cigarette from behind his ear and lit it, taking a deep drag. "Bloody hell, she told me you were thick," he mumbled, exhaling.

Mulder caught the 'she'. "Why are you here?"

The Billy Idol lookalike stopped and stared at him. "Hello? Have I been talking to myself for the past five minutes?" He pointed at the apartment building. "Stop. Watching. This place. Stalking isn't healthy, you can trust me on this one."

This time the man didn't stop him when he got out of the car. "I have reason to believe that there is an internationally wanted felon hiding out in this building."

"Yeah, I know. Now she wants you to beat it."

"She? Is this the same woman who told me to come here in the first place?"

"Yeah."

"What the hell's going on? Why does she want me to leave?"

"Silly bint had a change of conscience, I reckon. Got a phone call and went all weepy and soft, moaning about being selfish and all that bollocks. I tell you," he said, now talking to no one in particular, stabbing his cigarette in the air. "Damn girl always gets like this after a good shag..."

Mulder took a few steps toward the building but suddenly found the man's hand in the middle of his chest, stopping him.

"Can't let you do that, mate. Got my orders."

"Well I've got orders too."

The man's voice, which had been conversational up until this point, hardened. "Your orders are being changed. Go home, have a good wank, get it out of your system. Leave the girl alone."

"It's not the girl I'm interested in." Oh, that didn't come out the way he wanted.

The man smirked. "Yeah, I thought as much."

"Look--"

"No matter what, I'm not letting you get any closer to that building."

Mulder pulled out his gun and the man raised his hands in less of a defensive gesture, and more of an alright-I'll-play-along gesture.

"You're coming very close to interfering with a federal investigation. You've got five seconds before I place you under arrest."

The man's smirk grew. "I was hoping this might get ugly. Haven't had a spot of violence in quite some time."

"It doesn't have to get ugly."

"Oh, I'm afraid it does."

Mulder only had a minute to contemplate the meaning behind his words when the man's face took on a grotesque grimace and he lunged. The last thing Mulder remembered was teeth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Why did you have to bring him here?"

Leather shrug. "Didn't know what else to do."

"You could have taken him home!"

"He probably would have just gone back to the apartment building," Wes said, strolling in with a thick dossier open in both hands. "According to his record he's quite determined when he gets on a case, often disobeying direct orders and disregarding the law." Wes continued to flip through the pages and pages of notes made by supervisors. "I don't know how he's kept his job this far," he said with a sense of wonder.

Eve sighed. "Because he's a brilliant profiler, and if they fired him that would leave him with even less restrictions than he has now."

A more clipped accent spoke up from the corner. "Why don't they just kill him?" Sark asked, slipping on his leather gloves as if preparing himself for the task.

"Hasn't anyone here seen Star Wars? Killing me will only make me stronger? Luke I am your father?"

"Oh please. This from the guy who doesn't know who Chubby Checker is?"

"Well lets stick 5,000 years of trivia in your head and see how well you do, hmmm?"

Eve stood up, about to interrupt the squabbling when Faramir appeared in the doorway. "He's awake," he said simply.

"Stay here," she ordered Faramir. "If they talk, stab them." She spared a second glance at Sark. "Except for him, he doesn't come back to life." She left them all staring at each other and hurried out of the room.

Boromir met her halfway down the hallway, Mulder's indignant cries echoing after him. "This man--I think his mind is damaged."

She waved him off. "Oh no, he's normally like that."

"Where am I?"

She marched into the room. "After all these years, haven't you learned that shouting doesn't actually speed up the process?"

Mulder struggled momentarily against the ropes that had him tied securely to the chair.

"Your work?" she murmured appreciatively to the man beside her.

"It was Methos. That man has a disturbingly large amount of knowledge about bondage."

And that was another conversation entirely. She turned her attention back to their captive. "You were supposed to go home."

"When I was that close to getting Krycek? You're the one who sent me in the first place!"

"And I deeply regret it. Besides, Krycek probab ly wasn't there anyway. It was just a hunch."

"Oh, no. He was there. I saw them making out in the kitchen."

Eve froze, narrowing her eyes. She knew she had no right to be jealous. But Alex's hands on someone else's body . . .

"You're bluffing."

Mulder must have sensed he'd hit a nerve. "Five more minutes and I would have walked in on them in quite a compromising situation."

"Always had you pegged as a voyeur," she said, sniping back. "Spike said you weren't too cooperative when he told you to go home."

"Spike? That Billy Idol wannabe?"

"Yeah, never heard that one before," Spike said sarcastically. Faramir's footsteps followed him.

"I told you to stab him."

"You told him to stab me if I talked. You never said anything about blindsiding him and running out of the room."

"Oh God," Eve groaned, bringing her palms to her face.

"What the hell is going on? Who are you people?"

"I can't deal with this right now!" she said, tossing her arms in the air. "Keep him, torture him, ignore him, toss him out of a car, I don't care. You can all take care of it!" she decided, pointing at the vampire and the brothers. Sark and Methos appeared in the doorway but she brushed past and ignored them, stalking down the hallway. Faramir started to follow her, but Boromir placed a restraining hand on his shoulder.

"Leave her brother. You know how she is when she's in a temper."

Every single man in the room nodded. Mulder caught himself, then glared. "You're all crazy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Someone really should go check on her."

Silence.

"I said--"

"We heard you brother. I do not think now is a good time."

"On the contrary," Wes said, coming to Faramir's aid. "I think that now would be the perfect time for Eve's new muse to prove his worth."

All eyes turned to the man lounging in the corner. He looked back at them like they were insane. "I'm not going in there."

"Besides, it's not even clear that he won." Boromir.

"It is clear that you didn't," snarked Sark.

"You fight almost as dishonorably as he does."

"Survival of the fittest," Sark said as Methos said, "Live to fight another day." They shared a smile, then Methos shook himself.

"Of course I won. But when she's angry there's no predicting what she'll do. I don't want to be placed in some AU romance with a large yellow bird." He shuddered while the other occupants of the room frowned at each other.

After a moment Faramir said, "But we can't just--"

The room exploded in argument.

"Yes, we can."

"Will you shut up."

"I suppose if you favor sex with puppets."

"I still think I won."

Spike walked into the clamour of the room, ignoring them all and heading straight for the TV. Passions was coming on in five minutes. He flipped on the television and turned to tell everyone to shut up when a low throaty moan ripped through the room.

Eight men stopped to stare at the TV.

"What new devilry is this?"

"Will you quit saying that!" Methos hissed.

"Pardon me for having limited screentime and dialogue."

"That's really no excuse--"

"Will you bloody wankers shut your gobs?"

"How does he bend like--"

"Never mind him. Look at her--"

"Will someone please tell me why you're watching 'Lord of the G Strings'?"

They all turned as one with matching guilty expressions. Eve was standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips, glaring at them. They all began stammering explanations when Mulder's voice cut through the babble. The men turned to the other side of the room.

"I think the question should be how do you know the title of the movie after seeing five seconds of it?"

They turned back to Eve. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before she finally settled on glaring at their captive. "You don't ask the questions around here!" She glared for a few more seconds before turning and hurrying out of the room.